In a quiet hotel room at the Watergate, Schrödinger's cat lay a-mouldering under an unmade bed, delivered in the dead of night by agents of Funk & Wagnell's in a hermetically sealed USPS Ships Anywhere flat rate box. Along with an apology note addressed to Johnny Carson, the box arrived at dead midnight on September 11, 2012. Along with the frazzled cat, the box contained Franklin Graham's Harley keys, a nose hair trimmer belonging to G. Gordon Liddy, and a 5¼ floppy disk with animated GIFs showing Susan Rice, David Petraeus, and an unidentified Arab sheik knocking back Mai-Tais in a hot tub in Aspen, Colorado. Discovered at dawn, a sharp-eyed member of the 47% soon saw an opportunity to become a 1%er and contacted a Fox News agent lurking under a nearby dumpster. With an hour, a husky voiced maid bearing falafels and the now pungent box arrived at the lush digs of Bill O'Reilly, where its odor was masked by a persistent swamp gas emission from within. Inside, she could hear the wisdom of a great Eastern seer emanating from O'Reilly's wall-sized state-of-the-art entertainment center. The rest, as they say, is history.
O'Reilly: Benghazi is Obama's Watergate! Yeah, That's the Ticket | Crooks and Liars
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